| Love hurts and Pain is addictive |
[May. 9th, 2007|05:51 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Running Up That Hill - Placebo | ] |
It's 5:54am. I've just gotten off work for abdominal pains. Since 3:45 i've been tossing and turning and thought I was drafted into the military at one point but i think that was just the fatigue. I took a shower and it only slightly went away. My boss is manipulative...I hate being manipulated or bad for something I don't have any control over. It's rather pointless to get a guiltless man to feel guilty.
My saratonin(sp?) is getting back to its normal levels so I'm pretty stoked about that...come to think about it, it's probably the only good thing I've heard or felt all week.
I can't do what people want me to do! I can't bring myself to do it. She already wants me to come with her and I see no reason in going. She sees optimism because she doesn't really have to look because she has what she wants so in looking for something for a friend, naturally she will see (or want to see) the good and the positive. But these goods and positives aren't real. Just simple manifestations of a caring friend. I have been through this before. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I forget what I already knew. I have to re-learn it again...Guess that's what makes it...
I can't see why it is such a big deal? Es ist zu Ende gekommen. Und so ist es. These people who wallow and just soak in petty, fake, sentimental feelings that people feel some moral obligation to uphold simply because you shared a few laughs. Only Family is infinite.
Man muss in dieser Zeiten stark sein. I've had alot of practice. I've had alot of prep. I'm ready. But most importantly, when the time comes, it do what I say and mean what I say.
I don't think too many people really have any idea what it is to do something honest...
-M- |
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| Make it sutble |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|11:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Untitled 4 - Sigur Ros | ] |
A feeling of emptiness and void is in my stomach and chest right now. I've been working on my paper all day today. I haven't left the house...except to get cigarettes and some coffee. I've been killing myself the past month or so if feels. It's almost like parts of my body can't even find the strength or motivation to move. I think that one day I am going to wake up and not hurt this way anymore. I will wake up and it will be gone. I'll get up, the sun will be shining...and it will all be over. And when that day comes I will erase this livejournal, with all its hurt, pain, and sad thoughts, it will be gone.
But until then, I shall continue to store those things here. Why? Because if I didn't store them somewhere, alot of people would be dead.
On a much lighter note, Justin is coming to Cali from Japan!!! He'll be in Cali for like a week. =D I've missed that boy.
-M- |
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| Laugh Hard It's A Long Way To The Bank. . . |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|09:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Father Lucifer - Tori Amos | ] |
So I saw the Last Mimsey tonite with my Father and my Sister...Hands down, one of the worst movies I have seen in a good while. Terrible acting, terrible writing, no flow...Just bad...Very very bad. Hippies shouldn't be allowed to make films sometimes.
It just feels so strange on these kind of days. It always happens to me on a Sunday as well. Just this overwhelming paranoia and fear. I'm aggitated by everything and pleased by nothing.
I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT!!!!!!!
**censored**
I find myself even being sick of what I'm writing about...pathetic...I'm pathetic.
-M- |
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| Subtle |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|11:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  geeky | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Horses - Tori Amos | ] |
I see alot. I always seem to know more than what everyone else thinks.
I kinda like it. Keeps the rest of you all on your toes.
Watch Out! He knows.
-M- |
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| Like Fire, We consume without remorse |
[Mar. 9th, 2007|11:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Macrotus - Hans Zimmer | ] |
Everyday I wake up feeling the same...Shitty. It is an on-going battle for me to get out of bed in the morning. Nothing that is waiting for me for the day, as I see it, is worth getting up to do. Take for example...right now...In 48min. I am to be at my Math class but I havn't done my HW, I'm not understanding the concepts and most importantly; I don't give a shit.
I've been feeling just something terrible lately. Like there's alittle Gremlin inside my stomach and he is just chewing out my insides. The only thing that can stop him is drink and smoke. He craves for them. We all have them. They may crave different things but we all have them. Or maybe I just don't want to feel lonely. That's the feeling that's on the top of the list these days. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't think I give myself enough alone time but then again when I'm alone my mind turns on me...plays tricks on me...tells me lies. It's a scary thought, to think that there sometimes I shouldn't listen to that voice inside my head because it tells me nothing but bad, horrible, nasty things.
What do we see when we see the people around us? Friend? Foe? Stranger? Person? Degenerate? Thing? None of us really know what the other is thinking. You analyse them. You study them. But to truly hear what they hear must be absolutely extrordinary. The sickness and the true decadence of the thoughts of man. Man is a disgusting beast. A parasite set on this earth to do nothing but consume and destroy. When you look at the ferocity of man on a large scale, say; war, genocide, economics etc. etc. Man is heartless. Man is cold and driven only by the goal that secures and furthers the powers that be. Now take all those people that make those kind of things happen on such a large scale and then take their individual thoughts. What are their thoughts? What are the evil thoughts of evil people? What are your own evil thoughts? How often do you think something while in class or walking down the street and you have to repremand yourself out loud it was so "horrible". A racist remark. Torture. Death. Revenge...I can see what I think. I'm almost positive I'd have much fewer friends if People knew what I was really thinking. But I know I am not subject to this alone. That much is clear. But I find it interesting to know that i can sit across from Adolf Hitler, Jeffery Dahmer, Ted Bundy, Pol Pot, Magda Goebbels, George W. Bush, I can sit across from the Devil himself...and perhaps never know it. Just like the people who sit across and socialize with me don't really know who I am. No one knows who anyone really is or what they are capable of. Anyone who thinks different is lying to themselves. I'd assume it would be difficult for some people to accept the fact that their best friend or boy/girlfriend is not indeed who they seem to be. But then again we all must be careful who we seem to be...My favorite Kurt Vonnegut quote, from the book Mothernight, says it best; "Be careful what you pretend to be because, in the end, you are what you pretend to be." So when you look at it that way, who is the real you? What do YOU really think? What do YOU really feel? I guess our fake personas already do that for us.
-M- |
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| Taming a Fellbeast that just wants to dance |
[Feb. 10th, 2007|11:45 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Birdland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Melody of A Fallen Tree - Windsor For The Derby | ] |
I've been feeling so incredibly shitty lately! I'm drained constantly. I'm moody. I'm a drag to be around...There are times when I know the reason but then one day that isn't the reason and I still feel like shit. I think its just working on overtime...haunting me and tormenting me even when I don't think it it.
It eats at my insides. It eats at my soul. And all I can feed it is 80s love songs that bring more hurt than comfort. I don't want to be at my house but then again I can't think of anywhere else to go...I have nowhere. I am nowhere. This is nowhere. And you are nothing.
-M- |
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| Through The Looking Glass and What Do I See? |
[Dec. 4th, 2006|04:29 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My Bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Enigma of the Absolute - Dead Can Dance | ] |
So I just spent all of my day today just being a bum and smoking all day.
It was actually kind of nice. I mean I was alone but I still had Lucy. It was like when I was living alone in HD. I miss having a place of my own...
Eh...I thought I was going to write something here but I suddenly drew a complete blank and all I can think to write about is how I have this block...Hmm...
I want him. I can't stop thinking about him. But everything tells me not to think about it but I can't stop myself. I try to distance myself and I end up back where I was...A vicious fucking circle that I thought I broke when I left for Europe but alas...No...I want his touch. His words. His charm. I want him.
Please Let Me Have Him.
-M- |
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| I Can See Alot Of Life In You |
[Nov. 16th, 2006|02:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My Bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rebellion(Lies) - Arcade Fire | ] |
Oh how I don't want to go to work today!!!
Ugh...It's a nice day. I feel good and in 55min. I will be working...Hopefully something happens that involves me leaving UBER-early.
I'm going to Utah for thanksgiving and I am thoroughly happy about that. I havn't been on a trip since my bday, which for me is quite along time. I spent this whole last year traveling around like its nobody's business and now I'm just so grounded. No car. Countries are as close as they use to be. I lack adventure in my life. I lack adventure and change.
It was so adventurous and ever-changing and now...well lets just say that i cant even leave my own house without the help of great friends or my parents...UGH!!!
I'm not really all that upset but it's just nice to went. Wenting is wery good for the soul. =)
I think I'm gonna go try and sneak a bowl out back before arbeiten.
Thanx to all those who read and listen.
XoXoXo
-M- |
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| Why Do I Always Pick Times When You're Not In The Mood? |
[Oct. 25th, 2006|01:36 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Birdland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | You're Gonna Love Me - Jennifer Holiday | ] |
Saw Marie Antoinette tonite...It was pretty good.
It is pretty slow pace with little dialogue, total Sophia Copolla.
I've been feeling quite out of sorts lately...It's hard to explain but quite uncomfortable.
I heart black women...Want to see the movie Dream Girls...looks FABULOUS!!!
You're Gonna Love Me!
-M-
p.s. Let freedom ring. |
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| Turn around and say good morning to the Night |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|03:11 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My W-A-Y too high Bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mona Lisas and Black Hatters - Elton John | ] |
Saw Silent Hill (the film) at Erec's and I heard some bad things about it and to be honest...I thought it was very good. Good story. Good acting(for the most part). And most importantly, Entertaining. I give it a go!
Sometimes its hard to wake up to nothing.
So wear your bangs down, Emo Boy.
The World is waiting...
-M_ |
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